Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Troix

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

FIGHTING FRANCE.

HENRY'S BACK.

POOFY PANTS.

THAT'S RIGHT IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT HENRY VIII AND HIS COMMITMENT ISSUES AGAIN.

On the last episode of Henry is Horrible, Henry Tudor had divorced his most recent wife, Anne of Cleves, and now called her his sister and gave her killer severance package.  By now, Henry was morbidly obese, had a gaping, festering wound on his leg that would never heal, and was basically a walking pile of disease and sadism.

What more could a pretty young noblewoman of seventeen ask for in a husband?

Enter wifey number five, Kathryn Howard.

No, really, she's the teenage bombshell of her day.

Now, Kathryn here is actually the cousin of Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, in case you forgot about how inbreedy royals used to get.  Kathryn came to serve as a lady-in-waiting for Henry's previous wife, Anne of Cleves,  Kathryn was young, pretty, and lively, so naturally dirty old man Henry was all about it.  Upon his divorce from Anne, Henry married Kathryn pretty quick, calling her his "rose without a thorn."

Except that Kathryn had taken a thorn or two before.

Back before coming to court, Kathryn was pretty much a wild child and was certainly not a virgin on her wedding night, which was a major no-no in itself.  And, surprise-surprise, apparently an obese, unhealthy man almost three times her age wasn't doing it for her.  So she took up with Thomas Culpeper, one of Henry's closest bros, with her family arranging their trysts.  WHICH WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID COME ON HOWARDS REALLY?

Henry found out, of course, and was utterly and completely devastated.  Because he could bang anything with a pulse but his queen certainly couldn't.  Now, Kathryn, prior to marrying Henry and back before she came to court, had a secret affair with a man named Francis Dereham, and had vowed to marry him and became his lover, which, in the eyes of the Church, made her his wife.  Had she just said that this had been the case, she'd have simply been banished from court, but allowed to live.  But Kathryn denied, denied, denied, and went the way of her cousin Anne Boleyn.

Having beheaded two of his five wives and being England's most eligible bachelor once again, Henry was pretty much wiped out.  His health was rapidly declining, and so, he was more in the market for a nurse than a wife.  Enter the sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr.

Now, Catherine was unique among Henry's wives, as she was not expected to be virginal; in fact, she'd been married twice before Henry married her.  Not only that, but she had not borne any children from those previous marriages, which leads one to assume that Henry just couldn't give fuck-all about creating any more heirs.

Nope, Catherine was there to take care of Henry in the twilight of his life.  She was largely responsible for reconciling him with his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, and restoring them in the line of succession.  Eventually, karma caught up to Henry, and he died at age 55 most likely from complications caused by his weight (type two diabetes being the likely culprit), leaving his wife of four years, Catherine, a wealthy queen dowager.

So, there you have the giant soap opera that was Henry VIII's love life.  That boyfriend that plays a few too many video games doesn't look so bad anymore, huh?

Lundi Links :: April 4 2016

Photo credit: girltripped on Deviantart

Happy Monday, poodles!  I'm bringing back a weekly feature that I used to do on my old blog.  Lundi Links is basically going to be a collection of random links to articles and websites I found interesting from the past week.  Ultimately, it's just my contribution to your procrastinating.  You're welcome.

♥  I'm all about astrology and numerology and mystic stuff like that, so you'll see a lot of those topics here.  Do you know how numerology works?  Find out your personal year number for 2016 with The Astrotwins!

♥  I don't know about you, but the unpredictable (yet generally cold) March weather in Michigan has me antsy for a vacation.  But, like many of you, I can't afford to just fly off to exotic all-inclusive resorts.  So, group vacations may be a saving grace!  Here's an article with all the pros and cons of friendcations.

♥  Things Organized Neatly is probably the most satisfying website I've ever visited.

♥  These photographs from a very early gig for The Beatles really shows us that we all have to start somewhere, even if that somewhere is a concert for less than twenty people!

♥  April 7th is bringing us an Aries New Moon, and a supermoon nonetheless!  This is the perfect time to make big changes and take a leap!  Gala Darling and the AstroTwins will tell you how to take advantage!

♥  Much like numerology, your birth date can also help you figure out your tarot birth card!  Mine is Justice, and considering how many times I've been called an SJW, it's probably pretty accurate.

♥  Speaking of tarot, this self-esteem spread is just what the Radical Self Love Doctor ordered!

♥  I've been trying to improve my productivity (I'm a procrastination queen, homies), and according to this article, first thing in the morning is the best time to answer emails, since our decision-making processes decline in quality through the day.

♥  A well-known and well-loved Voodoo temple was destroyed by a fire in New Orleans, and the priestess running it has started a Go Fund Me to help rebuild it!

♥  An interesting look at what women can find in friendships that they can't find in relationships.

♥  I was sadly at work, but my fellow nobles at the Court of Nerds went to Marvel Universe Live! yesterday, and Ben wrote all about it!  SO JELLY.  NEXT TIME, ASSHOLES.

♥  And in case you've been living under a rock, you can Powerpuff yourself.  LOOK AT ME IN MY LEATHER JACKET PINK TUTU NERDY CAT LADY GLORY:

yiss.

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Deux

Henry VIII by Ashmarin Stanislav

ALL RIGHT KIDS IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO OF HENRY TUDOR IS A BAG OF DICK.

When we last saw our hero, he had divorced his first wife (and the Catholic Church) because they didn't have a grasp of basic biology back then, and had shacked up with wifey numero dos, Anne Boleyn.  Anne had given birth to who is arguably the greatest monarch in English history, Elizabeth I, but it wasn't good enough for ol' Hank, so he started checking out the hot blonde number that had come to court, Jane Seymour.

"Hot" being a relative term here...

Henry began courting and seducing Jane here, which did not sit well with Anne, let me tell you.  It didn't help that Henry gave Jane a locket with his picture in it, and Jane began flaunting it in front of Anne, who ripped the locket off of her rival with so much force that her FREAKING HANDS BLED.

Don't fuck with Anne Boleyn, yo, she's got no chill.

Naturally, Anne is pretty pissed off at this point, and tells her husband so, so Henry does what any sane, understanding husband would do.

He charged her with adultery, incest, and treason, and had her decapitated.  But not before she gave the bravest and simultaneously most passive aggressive death speech ever.

This left Henry free to marry sweet, passive, submissive Jane, who was pretty much everything that Anne was not.  The Seymour's were longtime rivals of the Boleyn's, so this was quite a fun kick to the crotch for Anne's family on top of their kinswoman being publicly murdered because she had a daughter instead of a son.

Jane actually had quite a happy marriage to Henry, to be honest.  She was arguably his favorite wife, not only because of her sweet demeanor, but because she was the only wife to give him a son who survived past infancy, Edward VI, though this young prince (and short-time king upon the death of his father) died at age fifteen of illness.  They just didn't make boys like they did girls back then, AMIRITE, MARY AND ELIZABETH?

Jane, however, didn't get to see her boy grow up.  The labor had lasted more than 48 hours, and Jane fell ill due to labor complications, and died just twelve days after Edward's birth.

Henry suddenly became a good husband, wearing mourning clothes for three months and refusing to marry for three years.  Jane is the only wife buried with Henry, clearly a sign that she was his favorite.

BUT DON'T WORRY, BIG DADDY DOUCHE IS BACK.

After three years, England was getting a bit antsy for a queen (and more importantly, more male heirs, because most kids only lived to the ripe old age of potty training and they weren't putting all their egg's in Edward VI's basket, nosireebob).  I believe that contemporaries described it as such:

England:  Dude, you just sit in your room eating Cheetos all day.  You're getting gross and fat and so you might want to hitch up to some noble broad before you have nothing to offer anymore.

Henry:  OMG FINE SHIP A BITCH IN FROM GERMANY, FUCK.

Royal portrait artist Hans Holbein was sent off to what is now Germany to get some sketches of the two unmarried daughters of the Duke of Cleves, Anne and Amalia.  Henry didn't want any funny business, and told Hans not to "flatter" the women (NO MYSPACE ANGLES, HANS).  Henry checked out the pics, and went with Bachelorette Number One, Anne of Cleves.

Anne of Cleves, fourth wife of Henry VIII and advocate for bold shoulders in fashion

Now, here's where it gets weird.  Anne of Cleves was said to be an attractive woman by contemporaries: tall, slim, pretty face, beautiful blonde hair.

So what did ol' Henry think?

He dubbed her the "Flanders Mare."

Yup.  Called her a horse.  Mature.

Henry was entirely unattracted to Anne both physically and mentally.  Henry prized wit and education in women, which Anne lacked; she'd received a more "traditional" upbringing; needlework, cleaning, and only enough literacy to read and write in German.

So, it wasn't happy union.  Union....is actually a stretch.

The marriage was never consummated, as Henry described her as having a foul body odor (everyone did back then pre-deodorant) and sagging breasts (which is unlikely in a 25-year-old woman who was considered "slim") and he couldn't get it up.  Of course, he claimed he wasn't impotent, since he had two wet dreams that night (no, really, this is historically documented, kings have zero privacy man...).

And yet, Anne was probably the happiest ending of all.

Since she agreed to a divorce, she got a massive settlement with multiple palaces, riches, and a friendly place at court, being referred to as the "King's Beloved Sister" (weird) and living to the age of forty-one as a wealthy woman, outliving Henry and all of his other wives.

Yeah.  Anne of Cleves totes wins.

STAY TUNED NEXT TIME FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF HENRY IS A MISOGYNISTIC GIT.

Grateful: 2015 Edition

So I know that November is supposed to be the month of saying what you're thankful for, but I've always felt more reflective and grateful for everything I have around late December.  Between the magical nostalgia of Christmas and the upcoming new year, I like to look around me and express my gratitude.  And I thought it would be nice to start a tradition of making a blog post every year doing just that.

First (and probably a permanent first) I have to thank my parents.

Mom and Dad with tiny me.  Total babes, amirite?

You will not find better, more supportive, awesome parents.  Many parents fall on either side of the line of being too strict or too friendly, but my parents walk it like a seasoned acrobat on a tightrope.  Married for 30+ years and still very much in love, worked hard at jobs neither particularly enjoyed to make sure that my sister and I had everything we needed and wanted, and shaped us both into strong, intelligent women.  My parents are my rocks, my best friends, my biggest support system, and my role models for what a marriage and parenthood should look like.  Also, they're hilarious, so you know where I get it.

I'm also grateful for that other spawn I mentioned: my little sister, Marley.

Marley and I at a Griffin's game this year.

It took my sister and I almost two decades to get along, but it was worth it.  A seven-year age difference made it difficult to see eye-to-eye until she hit adulthood and we had more in common, but once that happened, we became extremely close.  She has been my sister, my rival, my best friend, my co-star, my team mate, and pretty much everything under the sun for me.

Up next?  The babe at the bottom of this photo:

Gratuitous cleavage shot and clumsy thumb in the frame, yes, but this is still one of my favorite photos of us.

The Leonardo to my Raphael.  The Gunpowder Annie to my Captain HellKat.  The Blue to my Red.  My hetero life partner and potential future wife if the whole men thing doesn't work out and we just give up.  Cristina and I have become extremely close in the past few years, having met about five years ago when I heard her loudly berating a man (who is actually a good friend of both of ours) for saying he wouldn't want to sleep with her.  Never mind that she didn't want to sleep with him anyway.  It was the principle of the thing.  I liked her style.  We'll be starting two new adventures in 2016; a co-authored blog and a live show for renaissance faire audiences.  And I couldn't think of a better partner to do it with.

I also had two new career opportunities fall into my lap.  The first being my new job:

With some coworkers at our Totally 80's, Totally Murder show.

A theatre geek working at the largest murder mystery production company in the country?  Yes, please!  Landing a job at the Murder Mystery Company has been one of the best things that every happened to me.  I love the product, I love my coworkers, and it's the first job I've had where I didn't wake up with anxiety about having to go there.  The company is like a family, and we do something I love and believe in.  Also, my boss gave me a pet turtle for hitting a sales goal.  Pretty sure that cements it as the best company to work for ever.

And now, we come to this:

This logo makes us look way cooler than we are.

I let it slip at a company meeting that I was a nerd with a nerdy blog in the works.  Droo swooped in immediately.  And boy, am I glad he did.  I actually started out as a guest on the Court of Nerds podcast, talking about cosplay and general nerdery, but when Droo asked me to become an actual member of the cast, I immediately said yes!  To be honest, writing about geekery is a dream come true in and of itself, but I couldn't ask for a better group to do it with.  Being a woman in a nerd's world can be tough with the rampant misogyny many female geeks encounter, but it's not something I need to worry about with this group, despite being one of two women in a team of almost ten.  My geek cred is never quizzed, they never shame me for not being on their knowledge level on certain topics (it's usually met with "OMG, HERE, READ MY COPY, YOU MUST, YOU'LL LOVE IT" or something similar), and they always have my back.  Plus, you will never have a group of friends who will appreciate beautiful men with you like the men on the Court of Nerds.  For a group of entirely straight dudes, they sure like a pretty man.  Lookin' at you, Cumberbatch.

And lastly, I'm grateful for you!  Yes, you, the preciousest poodle reading this!  I'm grateful that you're reading my blog, I'm grateful that you're here in general, on earth, being the perfect little sprinkle that you are.  You're beautiful and smart and probably smell awesome, and I'm thankful for you!

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII, Part One

ALL RIGHT Y’ALL, IT’S THE TIME AGAIN.  GONNA DROP SOME HISTORICAL KNOWLEDGE SO BUST OUT THOSE NOTEBOOKS OR KINDLES OR iPOOPS OR WHATEVER YOU DAMN KIDS ARE USING THIS WEEK BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT THE SHITTY HUSBANDS TO END ALL SHITTY HUSBANDS.

See that stately looking gentleman with the unhealthy BMI?  That’s Henry Tudor, more well known as Henry VIII, King of England.  Henry was a huge figure in many radical changes to renaissance England, including the break between England and the Roman Catholic Church.

But what is he remembered for?

Wife collecting.

Expensive hobby, but hey, what’s a royal treasury for if not for frivolous shopping?

WIFE NUMBER ONE.

Katherine of Aragon.  Patron saint of women who put up with way too much bullshit from their asshole husbands.

Katherine was actually the wife of Henry’s older brother Arthur, who died at age fifteen.  For whatever reason, the marriage was not consummated…which is odd, considering the fact that many fifteen-year-old boys will hump damn near anything and Katherine was known to be quite pretty by contemporaries…ANYWHO, since they didn’t bump royal uglies, the marriage was considered null and void.

So, naturally, the right thing to do is marry off this sixteen-year-old, traumatized widow to her dead husband’s little brother.

Royalty, man.

Granted, she wasn’t married until she was 24, and Henry 18, because apparently his bro’s wife wasn’t good enough for him until his dad kicked it and Henry became king, then he shacked up with his sister-in-law and put a ring (and crown) on it.

For all intents and purposes, Henry and Katherine seemed pretty damned happy for many years.  He, of course, had his mistresses (it was all the rage for men to be unfaithful shits on the side), but there wasn’t much drama until it became clear that Katherine’s prime baby-making days were over and the only kid that survived infancy was Mary I (a girl, UGH).  Henry, being the typical misogynist of his time, put all of his eggs in the Y-chromosome basket, and decided that his devoted wife, beloved by his people and known for being a great and gracious queen, was now useless because he didn’t have a basic grasp of basic biology (spoiler: a baby’s sex is determined by the father’s genes, not the mother’s).

This all conveniently happened around the time a certain brunette showed up in court.

WIFE NUMBER TWO.

Anne Boleyn came from a long line of nobles trying to dig their claws into the English throne.  As a matter of fact, her older sister, Mary, had already banged the king and many believe her two eldest children were his bastards, though he never recognized them because who has the time, AMIRITE?

By all accounts, Henry wanted to get into Anne’s skirts pretty much as soon as he saw them.  Now, this aspect is pretty telling of what he found attractive, because contemporaries describe Anne as pretty plain physically, with the exception of her dark, lovely eyes.  Apparently, it was Anne’s intelligence and wit that caught Henry’s attention, so there you have it.  Henry’s one redeeming quality was liking a smart chick.

The only problem?  Anne wouldn’t put out like all of his obedient mistresses.  Nope, being a side bitch was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Anne Boleyn.

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT, TUDOR.

The only problem there, of course, is that Henry was still very much married to Katherine.  So he wrote to the pope in Rome to ask for a divorce, citing something about a Biblical line forbidding the marrying of a brother’s widow (WHICH HE CONVENIENTLY HAD FORGOTTEN UNTIL NOW, ABOUT 16 YEARS AFTER THEY GOT MARRIED).  Naturally, the Pope Clement VII called bullshit on Henry’s nonsense and said “NOPE, YOU BROKE IT YOU BOUGHT IT,” which brought about the greatest royal hissy fit of all time.

And what was this hissy fit?  THE DIVISION OF ENGLAND AND THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

That’s right.  Henry gave Rome the big “FU” and said “I DON’T NEED YOU PERMISSION, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM” AND CREATED A BRAND NEW CHURCH OF ENGLAND.

So, new church equals new bride, and Henry shipped Katherine off, refusing to let her see or write to their daughter, Mary, and married Anne Boleyn.  Katherine, to her dying day, refused to view Anne as Henry’s wife or her queen, and her daughter Mary did the same.

Anne, meanwhile, was loving life and was already knocked up with Tudorspawn.  She gave birth to a girl, whom she named Elizabeth.  Yes, that Elizabeth, one of the most badass monarchs in English history.  And, of course, Henry was disappointed, since a woman was a shitty ruler (oh, IRONY), and this led, once again, to a downhill spiral for our happy fucking couple.  A few miscarriages later, and Henry’s eyes had begun to wander again…

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ROUND TWO OF HENRY VIII IS A CAD, STARRING JANE SEYMOUR AND ANNE OF CLEVES!

"You've Changed, Miss Morgan."

This is going to sound hokey and cheesy and completely out of character for me, but I feel like my fellow writers might relate.

Last night, I dreamed of a muse.

Not just any muse.  A character from a very popular film series that used to be a huge part of my life.  A character I've written in old fanfictions and played on old RP boards.

He was in my dream, came to me as if we hadn't seen each other in years.  He called me Genesis, the name of one of my characters who has been hibernating in my imagination for years, a character that has always been an extension of myself as well as a role model for who I wish I was.

There was an adventure to be had.  We were in an old building, perhaps an old train station or museum, huge, filled with statues.  Something was coming.  Something epic and frightening.  He was ready for the battle.  I hesitated.  I tried to logic my way out of it, avoid the adventure.

He looked at me, as if seeing me for the first time, and not liking what he saw.

"You've changed, Miss Morgan," he said.

It hit me.  Both me in my dream and me now in consciousness.  

You've changed, Miss Morgan.

I have changed.  I've become cynical and safe.  I've avoided the adventure.  I've put aside my passions and my escape and my happy place.  That tattoo on my wrist, of the wolf howling at the moon?  That's Genesis.  Genesis is strong and fearless and passionate and everything I want to be.

I want to be her again.

As I sit down to write, beginning perhaps too late my novel for NaNo, I'll look at my tattoo and remember how brave Genesis is, and how brave I can be, too.

In a recent Court of Nerds​ interview, comic writer Sam Humphries said something that really resonated with me as a writer: "If I don't write these stories, no one will."

My future isn't the only one being held back.  My stories are, too, and everyone in them.  Genesis, HellKat, Lucia, all of these wonderful, complex characters with dreams and loves and stories to tell will die with me if I don't do them justice and send them out to the world.

In my dream, when he told me I changed, I looked at his face, one my Genesis was so familiar with, and took his hand.  He grinned, and we ran off to adventure.

Don't worry, Captain.  I haven't changed so much.

The Grand Rapids Comic Con GPOY Giveaway!

The Grand Rapids Comic Con GPOY Giveaway!

I'll be attending the Grand Rapids Comic Con all day on Saturday and Sunday, October 17 and 18.  In order to pepper social media with epic selfies of myself with my followers and fans of both this blog and Court of Nerds, I'm holding a giveaway!  And it's STUPID easy to enter!

If you see me at GR Comic Con, flag me down and take a photo with me.  I'll be dressed as Raphael from TMNT on Saturday (look for a red bandana, sais, and a shitty attitude) and Black Canary on Sunday.  I respond to "Emily," "Emerie," "Geektoria," or "HEY LOOK IT'S STEPHEN AMELL/A NINJA TURTLE/SOMETHING SHINY."

Then, just post it on social media and tag me in it, and you're entered!

What's the prize?

A custom piece of art by yours truly!  Want a sketch or colored image of your favorite character, or even an original character?  I got you.  Want a painting for your mantle?  ALL OVER IT.  Want me to make you a custom friggin' mermaid crown?  WHATEVER BRAH, I GOT YOU.

What's the catch?  Well, I do ask that you do me a favor and follow me somewhere.  Follow my main blog, my Tumblr, my Twitter, my Instagram, or like my page on Facebook!  I'll even be super awesome and give you an entry in the contest for every social media outlet that you post the photo to and tag me in!  Why?  Because I'm self-centered.  And I like your face with my face.

You have until Monday, October 19th at midnight EST to enter, so let's see those mugs, poodles!