Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Troix

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

FIGHTING FRANCE.

HENRY'S BACK.

POOFY PANTS.

THAT'S RIGHT IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT HENRY VIII AND HIS COMMITMENT ISSUES AGAIN.

On the last episode of Henry is Horrible, Henry Tudor had divorced his most recent wife, Anne of Cleves, and now called her his sister and gave her killer severance package.  By now, Henry was morbidly obese, had a gaping, festering wound on his leg that would never heal, and was basically a walking pile of disease and sadism.

What more could a pretty young noblewoman of seventeen ask for in a husband?

Enter wifey number five, Kathryn Howard.

No, really, she's the teenage bombshell of her day.

Now, Kathryn here is actually the cousin of Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, in case you forgot about how inbreedy royals used to get.  Kathryn came to serve as a lady-in-waiting for Henry's previous wife, Anne of Cleves,  Kathryn was young, pretty, and lively, so naturally dirty old man Henry was all about it.  Upon his divorce from Anne, Henry married Kathryn pretty quick, calling her his "rose without a thorn."

Except that Kathryn had taken a thorn or two before.

Back before coming to court, Kathryn was pretty much a wild child and was certainly not a virgin on her wedding night, which was a major no-no in itself.  And, surprise-surprise, apparently an obese, unhealthy man almost three times her age wasn't doing it for her.  So she took up with Thomas Culpeper, one of Henry's closest bros, with her family arranging their trysts.  WHICH WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID COME ON HOWARDS REALLY?

Henry found out, of course, and was utterly and completely devastated.  Because he could bang anything with a pulse but his queen certainly couldn't.  Now, Kathryn, prior to marrying Henry and back before she came to court, had a secret affair with a man named Francis Dereham, and had vowed to marry him and became his lover, which, in the eyes of the Church, made her his wife.  Had she just said that this had been the case, she'd have simply been banished from court, but allowed to live.  But Kathryn denied, denied, denied, and went the way of her cousin Anne Boleyn.

Having beheaded two of his five wives and being England's most eligible bachelor once again, Henry was pretty much wiped out.  His health was rapidly declining, and so, he was more in the market for a nurse than a wife.  Enter the sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr.

Now, Catherine was unique among Henry's wives, as she was not expected to be virginal; in fact, she'd been married twice before Henry married her.  Not only that, but she had not borne any children from those previous marriages, which leads one to assume that Henry just couldn't give fuck-all about creating any more heirs.

Nope, Catherine was there to take care of Henry in the twilight of his life.  She was largely responsible for reconciling him with his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, and restoring them in the line of succession.  Eventually, karma caught up to Henry, and he died at age 55 most likely from complications caused by his weight (type two diabetes being the likely culprit), leaving his wife of four years, Catherine, a wealthy queen dowager.

So, there you have the giant soap opera that was Henry VIII's love life.  That boyfriend that plays a few too many video games doesn't look so bad anymore, huh?

Lundi Links :: April 4 2016

Photo credit: girltripped on Deviantart

Happy Monday, poodles!  I'm bringing back a weekly feature that I used to do on my old blog.  Lundi Links is basically going to be a collection of random links to articles and websites I found interesting from the past week.  Ultimately, it's just my contribution to your procrastinating.  You're welcome.

♥  I'm all about astrology and numerology and mystic stuff like that, so you'll see a lot of those topics here.  Do you know how numerology works?  Find out your personal year number for 2016 with The Astrotwins!

♥  I don't know about you, but the unpredictable (yet generally cold) March weather in Michigan has me antsy for a vacation.  But, like many of you, I can't afford to just fly off to exotic all-inclusive resorts.  So, group vacations may be a saving grace!  Here's an article with all the pros and cons of friendcations.

♥  Things Organized Neatly is probably the most satisfying website I've ever visited.

♥  These photographs from a very early gig for The Beatles really shows us that we all have to start somewhere, even if that somewhere is a concert for less than twenty people!

♥  April 7th is bringing us an Aries New Moon, and a supermoon nonetheless!  This is the perfect time to make big changes and take a leap!  Gala Darling and the AstroTwins will tell you how to take advantage!

♥  Much like numerology, your birth date can also help you figure out your tarot birth card!  Mine is Justice, and considering how many times I've been called an SJW, it's probably pretty accurate.

♥  Speaking of tarot, this self-esteem spread is just what the Radical Self Love Doctor ordered!

♥  I've been trying to improve my productivity (I'm a procrastination queen, homies), and according to this article, first thing in the morning is the best time to answer emails, since our decision-making processes decline in quality through the day.

♥  A well-known and well-loved Voodoo temple was destroyed by a fire in New Orleans, and the priestess running it has started a Go Fund Me to help rebuild it!

♥  An interesting look at what women can find in friendships that they can't find in relationships.

♥  I was sadly at work, but my fellow nobles at the Court of Nerds went to Marvel Universe Live! yesterday, and Ben wrote all about it!  SO JELLY.  NEXT TIME, ASSHOLES.

♥  And in case you've been living under a rock, you can Powerpuff yourself.  LOOK AT ME IN MY LEATHER JACKET PINK TUTU NERDY CAT LADY GLORY:

yiss.

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Deux

Henry VIII by Ashmarin Stanislav

ALL RIGHT KIDS IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO OF HENRY TUDOR IS A BAG OF DICK.

When we last saw our hero, he had divorced his first wife (and the Catholic Church) because they didn't have a grasp of basic biology back then, and had shacked up with wifey numero dos, Anne Boleyn.  Anne had given birth to who is arguably the greatest monarch in English history, Elizabeth I, but it wasn't good enough for ol' Hank, so he started checking out the hot blonde number that had come to court, Jane Seymour.

"Hot" being a relative term here...

Henry began courting and seducing Jane here, which did not sit well with Anne, let me tell you.  It didn't help that Henry gave Jane a locket with his picture in it, and Jane began flaunting it in front of Anne, who ripped the locket off of her rival with so much force that her FREAKING HANDS BLED.

Don't fuck with Anne Boleyn, yo, she's got no chill.

Naturally, Anne is pretty pissed off at this point, and tells her husband so, so Henry does what any sane, understanding husband would do.

He charged her with adultery, incest, and treason, and had her decapitated.  But not before she gave the bravest and simultaneously most passive aggressive death speech ever.

This left Henry free to marry sweet, passive, submissive Jane, who was pretty much everything that Anne was not.  The Seymour's were longtime rivals of the Boleyn's, so this was quite a fun kick to the crotch for Anne's family on top of their kinswoman being publicly murdered because she had a daughter instead of a son.

Jane actually had quite a happy marriage to Henry, to be honest.  She was arguably his favorite wife, not only because of her sweet demeanor, but because she was the only wife to give him a son who survived past infancy, Edward VI, though this young prince (and short-time king upon the death of his father) died at age fifteen of illness.  They just didn't make boys like they did girls back then, AMIRITE, MARY AND ELIZABETH?

Jane, however, didn't get to see her boy grow up.  The labor had lasted more than 48 hours, and Jane fell ill due to labor complications, and died just twelve days after Edward's birth.

Henry suddenly became a good husband, wearing mourning clothes for three months and refusing to marry for three years.  Jane is the only wife buried with Henry, clearly a sign that she was his favorite.

BUT DON'T WORRY, BIG DADDY DOUCHE IS BACK.

After three years, England was getting a bit antsy for a queen (and more importantly, more male heirs, because most kids only lived to the ripe old age of potty training and they weren't putting all their egg's in Edward VI's basket, nosireebob).  I believe that contemporaries described it as such:

England:  Dude, you just sit in your room eating Cheetos all day.  You're getting gross and fat and so you might want to hitch up to some noble broad before you have nothing to offer anymore.

Henry:  OMG FINE SHIP A BITCH IN FROM GERMANY, FUCK.

Royal portrait artist Hans Holbein was sent off to what is now Germany to get some sketches of the two unmarried daughters of the Duke of Cleves, Anne and Amalia.  Henry didn't want any funny business, and told Hans not to "flatter" the women (NO MYSPACE ANGLES, HANS).  Henry checked out the pics, and went with Bachelorette Number One, Anne of Cleves.

Anne of Cleves, fourth wife of Henry VIII and advocate for bold shoulders in fashion

Now, here's where it gets weird.  Anne of Cleves was said to be an attractive woman by contemporaries: tall, slim, pretty face, beautiful blonde hair.

So what did ol' Henry think?

He dubbed her the "Flanders Mare."

Yup.  Called her a horse.  Mature.

Henry was entirely unattracted to Anne both physically and mentally.  Henry prized wit and education in women, which Anne lacked; she'd received a more "traditional" upbringing; needlework, cleaning, and only enough literacy to read and write in German.

So, it wasn't happy union.  Union....is actually a stretch.

The marriage was never consummated, as Henry described her as having a foul body odor (everyone did back then pre-deodorant) and sagging breasts (which is unlikely in a 25-year-old woman who was considered "slim") and he couldn't get it up.  Of course, he claimed he wasn't impotent, since he had two wet dreams that night (no, really, this is historically documented, kings have zero privacy man...).

And yet, Anne was probably the happiest ending of all.

Since she agreed to a divorce, she got a massive settlement with multiple palaces, riches, and a friendly place at court, being referred to as the "King's Beloved Sister" (weird) and living to the age of forty-one as a wealthy woman, outliving Henry and all of his other wives.

Yeah.  Anne of Cleves totes wins.

STAY TUNED NEXT TIME FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF HENRY IS A MISOGYNISTIC GIT.