Em Watches Movies: Braveheart

Cristina:  WHERE DID HE PULL THAT FLAIL OUT OF?

Em:  MUFASA'S BACK, BITCHES.

Cristina:  This guy is the smartest one in the whole place.  *English soldier surrenders*  "Nope.  I don't get paid enough for this."

Sarah:  Everyone he loves dies.  He should get that checked out.

Em:  Hamish's dad is my Patronus.

Cristina:  HE'S BATSHIT CRAZY AND I LOVE IT.

Em:  All mullets, all the time.

Cristina:  We haven't seen sunlight this entire movie.  It's always raining or overcast.

Em:  The Scottish don't actually know that the sun exists.

Em:  Guys, I wanna try woad.

Em:  OH.  DON'T CRY, PRECIOUS SHORTBREAD.

Sarah:  *mistakes Scotland for Ireland*

Em:  HOW DARE YOU.

Court of Nerds Podcast

So, my preciousest poodles at the Court of Nerds asked me to come in for an interview, and obviously, I was happy to oblige.  Nothing I like more than being a nerd amongst other nerds talking about nerdy things!  We talk cosplay, conventions, and, naturally, spend a ridiculous amount of time discussing TMNT.

If you're not already doing so, you should totes keep up on these guys, because they're hilarious; easily one of my fave podcasts.  Follow them on Facebook and Twitter!

Live Blog: Mortal Kombat

Em:  After [1979's Mad Max] this will actually seem quality.

Cristina:  Liu Kang's hair is.  SO.  BEAUTIFUL.

Em:  Seriously though, if you guys ever want to see me rage in public, play the Mortal Kombat theme.

Sarah:  Why are his nipples way down there?

Em:  HOW DO YOU NOTICE THE NIPPLES WITH THAT MAGNIFICENT MANE?

Cristina: Is it bad that I find Kano attractive?

Em:  I mean, would I climb him like a tree?  Yes.

Cristina:  I wonder if he grew out his hair in rebellion.

Em:  TAKE THAT, BUDDHISM.

Sarah:  [paraphrased slightly]  His beautiful hair is compensating for his tiny dick and bottom-nipples.

Sarah:  Anyway, Zelda sex dungeon.

Cristina:  So....evil Asian and good white guy?  Hm.

Em:  Oooh, Raiden's using his Batman voice.

Sarah:  GET THAT MAN A RICOLA.

Cristina:  You're kind of a bitch, Sonya.

Sarah:  But she's a pragmatic bitch.

Cristina:  How are they so underwhelmed by all of this?!

Em:  I wanna see Cristina in one of these movies just to see her going "WHAT.  WHAT."

Cristina:  "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.  THIS IS JUST ONE BIG PILE OF NOPE.  GIVE ME A TABLE SO I CAN CHUCK IT AT THIS THING."

Em:  GOD DAMMIT, JOHNNY CAGE.

Cristina and Sarah:  YOU ARE USELESS.

Sarah:  They're so oiled!

Cristina:  That's how I like my men.

Sarah:  Oiled and hooded?

Em:  SUBZERO.  YEAH.  GET HIM.  POPSICLE, MOTHERFUCKER.

Goro:  "You know nothing."

Sarah and Cristina:  JON SNOW.

Sarah:  All ninjas are warriors, but not all warriors are ninjas.  It's like squares and reptiles.

Em:  WHAT?  WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Sarah:  He should get that looked at.

Em:  He dead.

Em, pretty much whenever Scorpion came on screen:  YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS.

Cristina:  That's how I'm going to enter every room now: dramatic cartwheel.

Sarah:  How long until Michael Bay does a remake of this?

Cristina:  So, did the bad guys take the time to tease her hair while chaining her up?

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: Jeanne de Clisson

ALL RIGHT, FOOLS, SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES BECAUSE I'M GONNA LEARN YOU A THING ABOUT REVENGE AND GENERAL BADASSERY.

Once upon a time in Brittany, France, there was a noblewoman named Jeanne de Clisson.  Her husband, Olivier, was way up there in both political and military rank.  During one of the approximately 1.3 trillion my-dick-is-bigger tiffs between the French and English, France apparently decided that since Olivier Clisson survived a particular attack, that must mean he didn't fight hard enough and he was thus a traitor.  So, what do you do with a war survivor?

YOU KILL HIM, BECAUSE LOGIC.

Not only was he executed with very little evidence of actual treason, but his body was left out for the world to see, something that was unheard of for nobility.

Naturally, his widow was a bit upset.

And by upset, I mean RAIN DOWN SOME MAJOR TERROR ON OL' FRANCEY-PANTS BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCK WITH JEANNE DE CLISSON'S FAMILY, SON.

As many grieving widows do, Jeanne sold everything she and her husband owned and BOUGHT THREE BIG-ASS WARSHIPS FROM THE ENGLISH (SUCK IT, FRANCE), PAINTED THEM BLACK, DYED THE SAILS BLOOD RED, AND BECAME THE ULTIMATE VENGEFUL PIRATE QUEEN.

Jeanne's fleet terrorized the English Channel, taking down French vessels and always leaving one or two survivors to run back to France (hopefully in nothing but their underwear because that seems like Jeanne's style) to tell ol' King Parfait that shit got real.  Her favorite hobbies were pillaging the villages along Normandy's coast, supplying the English with basically whatever they wanted, cutting the heads off French aristocrats, and husband-collecting.

HER NICKNAME WAS THE LIONESS OF BRITTANY, BRUH, SHE WASN'T ONE TO FUCK WITH, OKAY.

Jeanne's story ends in the most fan-fucking-tastic way, too.  When she got too old for first-hand slaughtering (or maybe France ran out of nobles to decapitate, who even knows), she found husband numero trois, an Englishman no less, and decided to retire.  IN FRANCE, THE SAME EFFING COUNTRY SHE JUST MADE HER BITCH FOR THE PAST DECADE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE THE GODDAMN LIONESS OF BRITTANY YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT..

So, the moral of this moment in history: Don't execute someone when their wife is rich and fucking terrifying.