ALL RIGHT, FOOLS, SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES BECAUSE I'M GONNA LEARN YOU A THING ABOUT REVENGE AND GENERAL BADASSERY.
Once upon a time in Brittany, France, there was a noblewoman named Jeanne de Clisson. Her husband, Olivier, was way up there in both political and military rank. During one of the approximately 1.3 trillion my-dick-is-bigger tiffs between the French and English, France apparently decided that since Olivier Clisson survived a particular attack, that must mean he didn't fight hard enough and he was thus a traitor. So, what do you do with a war survivor?
YOU KILL HIM, BECAUSE LOGIC.
Not only was he executed with very little evidence of actual treason, but his body was left out for the world to see, something that was unheard of for nobility.
Naturally, his widow was a bit upset.
And by upset, I mean RAIN DOWN SOME MAJOR TERROR ON OL' FRANCEY-PANTS BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCK WITH JEANNE DE CLISSON'S FAMILY, SON.
As many grieving widows do, Jeanne sold everything she and her husband owned and BOUGHT THREE BIG-ASS WARSHIPS FROM THE ENGLISH (SUCK IT, FRANCE), PAINTED THEM BLACK, DYED THE SAILS BLOOD RED, AND BECAME THE ULTIMATE VENGEFUL PIRATE QUEEN.
Jeanne's fleet terrorized the English Channel, taking down French vessels and always leaving one or two survivors to run back to France (hopefully in nothing but their underwear because that seems like Jeanne's style) to tell ol' King Parfait that shit got real. Her favorite hobbies were pillaging the villages along Normandy's coast, supplying the English with basically whatever they wanted, cutting the heads off French aristocrats, and husband-collecting.
HER NICKNAME WAS THE LIONESS OF BRITTANY, BRUH, SHE WASN'T ONE TO FUCK WITH, OKAY.
Jeanne's story ends in the most fan-fucking-tastic way, too. When she got too old for first-hand slaughtering (or maybe France ran out of nobles to decapitate, who even knows), she found husband numero trois, an Englishman no less, and decided to retire. IN FRANCE, THE SAME EFFING COUNTRY SHE JUST MADE HER BITCH FOR THE PAST DECADE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE THE GODDAMN LIONESS OF BRITTANY YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT..
So, the moral of this moment in history: Don't execute someone when their wife is rich and fucking terrifying.
No comments:
Post a Comment