Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Troix

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

FIGHTING FRANCE.

HENRY'S BACK.

POOFY PANTS.

THAT'S RIGHT IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT HENRY VIII AND HIS COMMITMENT ISSUES AGAIN.

On the last episode of Henry is Horrible, Henry Tudor had divorced his most recent wife, Anne of Cleves, and now called her his sister and gave her killer severance package.  By now, Henry was morbidly obese, had a gaping, festering wound on his leg that would never heal, and was basically a walking pile of disease and sadism.

What more could a pretty young noblewoman of seventeen ask for in a husband?

Enter wifey number five, Kathryn Howard.

No, really, she's the teenage bombshell of her day.

Now, Kathryn here is actually the cousin of Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, in case you forgot about how inbreedy royals used to get.  Kathryn came to serve as a lady-in-waiting for Henry's previous wife, Anne of Cleves,  Kathryn was young, pretty, and lively, so naturally dirty old man Henry was all about it.  Upon his divorce from Anne, Henry married Kathryn pretty quick, calling her his "rose without a thorn."

Except that Kathryn had taken a thorn or two before.

Back before coming to court, Kathryn was pretty much a wild child and was certainly not a virgin on her wedding night, which was a major no-no in itself.  And, surprise-surprise, apparently an obese, unhealthy man almost three times her age wasn't doing it for her.  So she took up with Thomas Culpeper, one of Henry's closest bros, with her family arranging their trysts.  WHICH WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID COME ON HOWARDS REALLY?

Henry found out, of course, and was utterly and completely devastated.  Because he could bang anything with a pulse but his queen certainly couldn't.  Now, Kathryn, prior to marrying Henry and back before she came to court, had a secret affair with a man named Francis Dereham, and had vowed to marry him and became his lover, which, in the eyes of the Church, made her his wife.  Had she just said that this had been the case, she'd have simply been banished from court, but allowed to live.  But Kathryn denied, denied, denied, and went the way of her cousin Anne Boleyn.

Having beheaded two of his five wives and being England's most eligible bachelor once again, Henry was pretty much wiped out.  His health was rapidly declining, and so, he was more in the market for a nurse than a wife.  Enter the sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr.

Now, Catherine was unique among Henry's wives, as she was not expected to be virginal; in fact, she'd been married twice before Henry married her.  Not only that, but she had not borne any children from those previous marriages, which leads one to assume that Henry just couldn't give fuck-all about creating any more heirs.

Nope, Catherine was there to take care of Henry in the twilight of his life.  She was largely responsible for reconciling him with his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, and restoring them in the line of succession.  Eventually, karma caught up to Henry, and he died at age 55 most likely from complications caused by his weight (type two diabetes being the likely culprit), leaving his wife of four years, Catherine, a wealthy queen dowager.

So, there you have the giant soap opera that was Henry VIII's love life.  That boyfriend that plays a few too many video games doesn't look so bad anymore, huh?

Lundi Links :: April 4 2016

Photo credit: girltripped on Deviantart

Happy Monday, poodles!  I'm bringing back a weekly feature that I used to do on my old blog.  Lundi Links is basically going to be a collection of random links to articles and websites I found interesting from the past week.  Ultimately, it's just my contribution to your procrastinating.  You're welcome.

♥  I'm all about astrology and numerology and mystic stuff like that, so you'll see a lot of those topics here.  Do you know how numerology works?  Find out your personal year number for 2016 with The Astrotwins!

♥  I don't know about you, but the unpredictable (yet generally cold) March weather in Michigan has me antsy for a vacation.  But, like many of you, I can't afford to just fly off to exotic all-inclusive resorts.  So, group vacations may be a saving grace!  Here's an article with all the pros and cons of friendcations.

♥  Things Organized Neatly is probably the most satisfying website I've ever visited.

♥  These photographs from a very early gig for The Beatles really shows us that we all have to start somewhere, even if that somewhere is a concert for less than twenty people!

♥  April 7th is bringing us an Aries New Moon, and a supermoon nonetheless!  This is the perfect time to make big changes and take a leap!  Gala Darling and the AstroTwins will tell you how to take advantage!

♥  Much like numerology, your birth date can also help you figure out your tarot birth card!  Mine is Justice, and considering how many times I've been called an SJW, it's probably pretty accurate.

♥  Speaking of tarot, this self-esteem spread is just what the Radical Self Love Doctor ordered!

♥  I've been trying to improve my productivity (I'm a procrastination queen, homies), and according to this article, first thing in the morning is the best time to answer emails, since our decision-making processes decline in quality through the day.

♥  A well-known and well-loved Voodoo temple was destroyed by a fire in New Orleans, and the priestess running it has started a Go Fund Me to help rebuild it!

♥  An interesting look at what women can find in friendships that they can't find in relationships.

♥  I was sadly at work, but my fellow nobles at the Court of Nerds went to Marvel Universe Live! yesterday, and Ben wrote all about it!  SO JELLY.  NEXT TIME, ASSHOLES.

♥  And in case you've been living under a rock, you can Powerpuff yourself.  LOOK AT ME IN MY LEATHER JACKET PINK TUTU NERDY CAT LADY GLORY:

yiss.

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII Part Deux

Henry VIII by Ashmarin Stanislav

ALL RIGHT KIDS IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO OF HENRY TUDOR IS A BAG OF DICK.

When we last saw our hero, he had divorced his first wife (and the Catholic Church) because they didn't have a grasp of basic biology back then, and had shacked up with wifey numero dos, Anne Boleyn.  Anne had given birth to who is arguably the greatest monarch in English history, Elizabeth I, but it wasn't good enough for ol' Hank, so he started checking out the hot blonde number that had come to court, Jane Seymour.

"Hot" being a relative term here...

Henry began courting and seducing Jane here, which did not sit well with Anne, let me tell you.  It didn't help that Henry gave Jane a locket with his picture in it, and Jane began flaunting it in front of Anne, who ripped the locket off of her rival with so much force that her FREAKING HANDS BLED.

Don't fuck with Anne Boleyn, yo, she's got no chill.

Naturally, Anne is pretty pissed off at this point, and tells her husband so, so Henry does what any sane, understanding husband would do.

He charged her with adultery, incest, and treason, and had her decapitated.  But not before she gave the bravest and simultaneously most passive aggressive death speech ever.

This left Henry free to marry sweet, passive, submissive Jane, who was pretty much everything that Anne was not.  The Seymour's were longtime rivals of the Boleyn's, so this was quite a fun kick to the crotch for Anne's family on top of their kinswoman being publicly murdered because she had a daughter instead of a son.

Jane actually had quite a happy marriage to Henry, to be honest.  She was arguably his favorite wife, not only because of her sweet demeanor, but because she was the only wife to give him a son who survived past infancy, Edward VI, though this young prince (and short-time king upon the death of his father) died at age fifteen of illness.  They just didn't make boys like they did girls back then, AMIRITE, MARY AND ELIZABETH?

Jane, however, didn't get to see her boy grow up.  The labor had lasted more than 48 hours, and Jane fell ill due to labor complications, and died just twelve days after Edward's birth.

Henry suddenly became a good husband, wearing mourning clothes for three months and refusing to marry for three years.  Jane is the only wife buried with Henry, clearly a sign that she was his favorite.

BUT DON'T WORRY, BIG DADDY DOUCHE IS BACK.

After three years, England was getting a bit antsy for a queen (and more importantly, more male heirs, because most kids only lived to the ripe old age of potty training and they weren't putting all their egg's in Edward VI's basket, nosireebob).  I believe that contemporaries described it as such:

England:  Dude, you just sit in your room eating Cheetos all day.  You're getting gross and fat and so you might want to hitch up to some noble broad before you have nothing to offer anymore.

Henry:  OMG FINE SHIP A BITCH IN FROM GERMANY, FUCK.

Royal portrait artist Hans Holbein was sent off to what is now Germany to get some sketches of the two unmarried daughters of the Duke of Cleves, Anne and Amalia.  Henry didn't want any funny business, and told Hans not to "flatter" the women (NO MYSPACE ANGLES, HANS).  Henry checked out the pics, and went with Bachelorette Number One, Anne of Cleves.

Anne of Cleves, fourth wife of Henry VIII and advocate for bold shoulders in fashion

Now, here's where it gets weird.  Anne of Cleves was said to be an attractive woman by contemporaries: tall, slim, pretty face, beautiful blonde hair.

So what did ol' Henry think?

He dubbed her the "Flanders Mare."

Yup.  Called her a horse.  Mature.

Henry was entirely unattracted to Anne both physically and mentally.  Henry prized wit and education in women, which Anne lacked; she'd received a more "traditional" upbringing; needlework, cleaning, and only enough literacy to read and write in German.

So, it wasn't happy union.  Union....is actually a stretch.

The marriage was never consummated, as Henry described her as having a foul body odor (everyone did back then pre-deodorant) and sagging breasts (which is unlikely in a 25-year-old woman who was considered "slim") and he couldn't get it up.  Of course, he claimed he wasn't impotent, since he had two wet dreams that night (no, really, this is historically documented, kings have zero privacy man...).

And yet, Anne was probably the happiest ending of all.

Since she agreed to a divorce, she got a massive settlement with multiple palaces, riches, and a friendly place at court, being referred to as the "King's Beloved Sister" (weird) and living to the age of forty-one as a wealthy woman, outliving Henry and all of his other wives.

Yeah.  Anne of Cleves totes wins.

STAY TUNED NEXT TIME FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF HENRY IS A MISOGYNISTIC GIT.

Grateful: 2015 Edition

So I know that November is supposed to be the month of saying what you're thankful for, but I've always felt more reflective and grateful for everything I have around late December.  Between the magical nostalgia of Christmas and the upcoming new year, I like to look around me and express my gratitude.  And I thought it would be nice to start a tradition of making a blog post every year doing just that.

First (and probably a permanent first) I have to thank my parents.

Mom and Dad with tiny me.  Total babes, amirite?

You will not find better, more supportive, awesome parents.  Many parents fall on either side of the line of being too strict or too friendly, but my parents walk it like a seasoned acrobat on a tightrope.  Married for 30+ years and still very much in love, worked hard at jobs neither particularly enjoyed to make sure that my sister and I had everything we needed and wanted, and shaped us both into strong, intelligent women.  My parents are my rocks, my best friends, my biggest support system, and my role models for what a marriage and parenthood should look like.  Also, they're hilarious, so you know where I get it.

I'm also grateful for that other spawn I mentioned: my little sister, Marley.

Marley and I at a Griffin's game this year.

It took my sister and I almost two decades to get along, but it was worth it.  A seven-year age difference made it difficult to see eye-to-eye until she hit adulthood and we had more in common, but once that happened, we became extremely close.  She has been my sister, my rival, my best friend, my co-star, my team mate, and pretty much everything under the sun for me.

Up next?  The babe at the bottom of this photo:

Gratuitous cleavage shot and clumsy thumb in the frame, yes, but this is still one of my favorite photos of us.

The Leonardo to my Raphael.  The Gunpowder Annie to my Captain HellKat.  The Blue to my Red.  My hetero life partner and potential future wife if the whole men thing doesn't work out and we just give up.  Cristina and I have become extremely close in the past few years, having met about five years ago when I heard her loudly berating a man (who is actually a good friend of both of ours) for saying he wouldn't want to sleep with her.  Never mind that she didn't want to sleep with him anyway.  It was the principle of the thing.  I liked her style.  We'll be starting two new adventures in 2016; a co-authored blog and a live show for renaissance faire audiences.  And I couldn't think of a better partner to do it with.

I also had two new career opportunities fall into my lap.  The first being my new job:

With some coworkers at our Totally 80's, Totally Murder show.

A theatre geek working at the largest murder mystery production company in the country?  Yes, please!  Landing a job at the Murder Mystery Company has been one of the best things that every happened to me.  I love the product, I love my coworkers, and it's the first job I've had where I didn't wake up with anxiety about having to go there.  The company is like a family, and we do something I love and believe in.  Also, my boss gave me a pet turtle for hitting a sales goal.  Pretty sure that cements it as the best company to work for ever.

And now, we come to this:

This logo makes us look way cooler than we are.

I let it slip at a company meeting that I was a nerd with a nerdy blog in the works.  Droo swooped in immediately.  And boy, am I glad he did.  I actually started out as a guest on the Court of Nerds podcast, talking about cosplay and general nerdery, but when Droo asked me to become an actual member of the cast, I immediately said yes!  To be honest, writing about geekery is a dream come true in and of itself, but I couldn't ask for a better group to do it with.  Being a woman in a nerd's world can be tough with the rampant misogyny many female geeks encounter, but it's not something I need to worry about with this group, despite being one of two women in a team of almost ten.  My geek cred is never quizzed, they never shame me for not being on their knowledge level on certain topics (it's usually met with "OMG, HERE, READ MY COPY, YOU MUST, YOU'LL LOVE IT" or something similar), and they always have my back.  Plus, you will never have a group of friends who will appreciate beautiful men with you like the men on the Court of Nerds.  For a group of entirely straight dudes, they sure like a pretty man.  Lookin' at you, Cumberbatch.

And lastly, I'm grateful for you!  Yes, you, the preciousest poodle reading this!  I'm grateful that you're reading my blog, I'm grateful that you're here in general, on earth, being the perfect little sprinkle that you are.  You're beautiful and smart and probably smell awesome, and I'm thankful for you!

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: The Wives of Henry VIII, Part One

ALL RIGHT Y’ALL, IT’S THE TIME AGAIN.  GONNA DROP SOME HISTORICAL KNOWLEDGE SO BUST OUT THOSE NOTEBOOKS OR KINDLES OR iPOOPS OR WHATEVER YOU DAMN KIDS ARE USING THIS WEEK BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT THE SHITTY HUSBANDS TO END ALL SHITTY HUSBANDS.

See that stately looking gentleman with the unhealthy BMI?  That’s Henry Tudor, more well known as Henry VIII, King of England.  Henry was a huge figure in many radical changes to renaissance England, including the break between England and the Roman Catholic Church.

But what is he remembered for?

Wife collecting.

Expensive hobby, but hey, what’s a royal treasury for if not for frivolous shopping?

WIFE NUMBER ONE.

Katherine of Aragon.  Patron saint of women who put up with way too much bullshit from their asshole husbands.

Katherine was actually the wife of Henry’s older brother Arthur, who died at age fifteen.  For whatever reason, the marriage was not consummated…which is odd, considering the fact that many fifteen-year-old boys will hump damn near anything and Katherine was known to be quite pretty by contemporaries…ANYWHO, since they didn’t bump royal uglies, the marriage was considered null and void.

So, naturally, the right thing to do is marry off this sixteen-year-old, traumatized widow to her dead husband’s little brother.

Royalty, man.

Granted, she wasn’t married until she was 24, and Henry 18, because apparently his bro’s wife wasn’t good enough for him until his dad kicked it and Henry became king, then he shacked up with his sister-in-law and put a ring (and crown) on it.

For all intents and purposes, Henry and Katherine seemed pretty damned happy for many years.  He, of course, had his mistresses (it was all the rage for men to be unfaithful shits on the side), but there wasn’t much drama until it became clear that Katherine’s prime baby-making days were over and the only kid that survived infancy was Mary I (a girl, UGH).  Henry, being the typical misogynist of his time, put all of his eggs in the Y-chromosome basket, and decided that his devoted wife, beloved by his people and known for being a great and gracious queen, was now useless because he didn’t have a basic grasp of basic biology (spoiler: a baby’s sex is determined by the father’s genes, not the mother’s).

This all conveniently happened around the time a certain brunette showed up in court.

WIFE NUMBER TWO.

Anne Boleyn came from a long line of nobles trying to dig their claws into the English throne.  As a matter of fact, her older sister, Mary, had already banged the king and many believe her two eldest children were his bastards, though he never recognized them because who has the time, AMIRITE?

By all accounts, Henry wanted to get into Anne’s skirts pretty much as soon as he saw them.  Now, this aspect is pretty telling of what he found attractive, because contemporaries describe Anne as pretty plain physically, with the exception of her dark, lovely eyes.  Apparently, it was Anne’s intelligence and wit that caught Henry’s attention, so there you have it.  Henry’s one redeeming quality was liking a smart chick.

The only problem?  Anne wouldn’t put out like all of his obedient mistresses.  Nope, being a side bitch was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Anne Boleyn.

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT, TUDOR.

The only problem there, of course, is that Henry was still very much married to Katherine.  So he wrote to the pope in Rome to ask for a divorce, citing something about a Biblical line forbidding the marrying of a brother’s widow (WHICH HE CONVENIENTLY HAD FORGOTTEN UNTIL NOW, ABOUT 16 YEARS AFTER THEY GOT MARRIED).  Naturally, the Pope Clement VII called bullshit on Henry’s nonsense and said “NOPE, YOU BROKE IT YOU BOUGHT IT,” which brought about the greatest royal hissy fit of all time.

And what was this hissy fit?  THE DIVISION OF ENGLAND AND THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

That’s right.  Henry gave Rome the big “FU” and said “I DON’T NEED YOU PERMISSION, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM” AND CREATED A BRAND NEW CHURCH OF ENGLAND.

So, new church equals new bride, and Henry shipped Katherine off, refusing to let her see or write to their daughter, Mary, and married Anne Boleyn.  Katherine, to her dying day, refused to view Anne as Henry’s wife or her queen, and her daughter Mary did the same.

Anne, meanwhile, was loving life and was already knocked up with Tudorspawn.  She gave birth to a girl, whom she named Elizabeth.  Yes, that Elizabeth, one of the most badass monarchs in English history.  And, of course, Henry was disappointed, since a woman was a shitty ruler (oh, IRONY), and this led, once again, to a downhill spiral for our happy fucking couple.  A few miscarriages later, and Henry’s eyes had begun to wander again…

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ROUND TWO OF HENRY VIII IS A CAD, STARRING JANE SEYMOUR AND ANNE OF CLEVES!

"You've Changed, Miss Morgan."

This is going to sound hokey and cheesy and completely out of character for me, but I feel like my fellow writers might relate.

Last night, I dreamed of a muse.

Not just any muse.  A character from a very popular film series that used to be a huge part of my life.  A character I've written in old fanfictions and played on old RP boards.

He was in my dream, came to me as if we hadn't seen each other in years.  He called me Genesis, the name of one of my characters who has been hibernating in my imagination for years, a character that has always been an extension of myself as well as a role model for who I wish I was.

There was an adventure to be had.  We were in an old building, perhaps an old train station or museum, huge, filled with statues.  Something was coming.  Something epic and frightening.  He was ready for the battle.  I hesitated.  I tried to logic my way out of it, avoid the adventure.

He looked at me, as if seeing me for the first time, and not liking what he saw.

"You've changed, Miss Morgan," he said.

It hit me.  Both me in my dream and me now in consciousness.  

You've changed, Miss Morgan.

I have changed.  I've become cynical and safe.  I've avoided the adventure.  I've put aside my passions and my escape and my happy place.  That tattoo on my wrist, of the wolf howling at the moon?  That's Genesis.  Genesis is strong and fearless and passionate and everything I want to be.

I want to be her again.

As I sit down to write, beginning perhaps too late my novel for NaNo, I'll look at my tattoo and remember how brave Genesis is, and how brave I can be, too.

In a recent Court of Nerds​ interview, comic writer Sam Humphries said something that really resonated with me as a writer: "If I don't write these stories, no one will."

My future isn't the only one being held back.  My stories are, too, and everyone in them.  Genesis, HellKat, Lucia, all of these wonderful, complex characters with dreams and loves and stories to tell will die with me if I don't do them justice and send them out to the world.

In my dream, when he told me I changed, I looked at his face, one my Genesis was so familiar with, and took his hand.  He grinned, and we ran off to adventure.

Don't worry, Captain.  I haven't changed so much.

The Grand Rapids Comic Con GPOY Giveaway!

The Grand Rapids Comic Con GPOY Giveaway!

I'll be attending the Grand Rapids Comic Con all day on Saturday and Sunday, October 17 and 18.  In order to pepper social media with epic selfies of myself with my followers and fans of both this blog and Court of Nerds, I'm holding a giveaway!  And it's STUPID easy to enter!

If you see me at GR Comic Con, flag me down and take a photo with me.  I'll be dressed as Raphael from TMNT on Saturday (look for a red bandana, sais, and a shitty attitude) and Black Canary on Sunday.  I respond to "Emily," "Emerie," "Geektoria," or "HEY LOOK IT'S STEPHEN AMELL/A NINJA TURTLE/SOMETHING SHINY."

Then, just post it on social media and tag me in it, and you're entered!

What's the prize?

A custom piece of art by yours truly!  Want a sketch or colored image of your favorite character, or even an original character?  I got you.  Want a painting for your mantle?  ALL OVER IT.  Want me to make you a custom friggin' mermaid crown?  WHATEVER BRAH, I GOT YOU.

What's the catch?  Well, I do ask that you do me a favor and follow me somewhere.  Follow my main blog, my Tumblr, my Twitter, my Instagram, or like my page on Facebook!  I'll even be super awesome and give you an entry in the contest for every social media outlet that you post the photo to and tag me in!  Why?  Because I'm self-centered.  And I like your face with my face.

You have until Monday, October 19th at midnight EST to enter, so let's see those mugs, poodles!

Em Watches Movies: Braveheart

Cristina:  WHERE DID HE PULL THAT FLAIL OUT OF?

Em:  MUFASA'S BACK, BITCHES.

Cristina:  This guy is the smartest one in the whole place.  *English soldier surrenders*  "Nope.  I don't get paid enough for this."

Sarah:  Everyone he loves dies.  He should get that checked out.

Em:  Hamish's dad is my Patronus.

Cristina:  HE'S BATSHIT CRAZY AND I LOVE IT.

Em:  All mullets, all the time.

Cristina:  We haven't seen sunlight this entire movie.  It's always raining or overcast.

Em:  The Scottish don't actually know that the sun exists.

Em:  Guys, I wanna try woad.

Em:  OH.  DON'T CRY, PRECIOUS SHORTBREAD.

Sarah:  *mistakes Scotland for Ireland*

Em:  HOW DARE YOU.

Court of Nerds Podcast

So, my preciousest poodles at the Court of Nerds asked me to come in for an interview, and obviously, I was happy to oblige.  Nothing I like more than being a nerd amongst other nerds talking about nerdy things!  We talk cosplay, conventions, and, naturally, spend a ridiculous amount of time discussing TMNT.

If you're not already doing so, you should totes keep up on these guys, because they're hilarious; easily one of my fave podcasts.  Follow them on Facebook and Twitter!

Live Blog: Mortal Kombat

Em:  After [1979's Mad Max] this will actually seem quality.

Cristina:  Liu Kang's hair is.  SO.  BEAUTIFUL.

Em:  Seriously though, if you guys ever want to see me rage in public, play the Mortal Kombat theme.

Sarah:  Why are his nipples way down there?

Em:  HOW DO YOU NOTICE THE NIPPLES WITH THAT MAGNIFICENT MANE?

Cristina: Is it bad that I find Kano attractive?

Em:  I mean, would I climb him like a tree?  Yes.

Cristina:  I wonder if he grew out his hair in rebellion.

Em:  TAKE THAT, BUDDHISM.

Sarah:  [paraphrased slightly]  His beautiful hair is compensating for his tiny dick and bottom-nipples.

Sarah:  Anyway, Zelda sex dungeon.

Cristina:  So....evil Asian and good white guy?  Hm.

Em:  Oooh, Raiden's using his Batman voice.

Sarah:  GET THAT MAN A RICOLA.

Cristina:  You're kind of a bitch, Sonya.

Sarah:  But she's a pragmatic bitch.

Cristina:  How are they so underwhelmed by all of this?!

Em:  I wanna see Cristina in one of these movies just to see her going "WHAT.  WHAT."

Cristina:  "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.  THIS IS JUST ONE BIG PILE OF NOPE.  GIVE ME A TABLE SO I CAN CHUCK IT AT THIS THING."

Em:  GOD DAMMIT, JOHNNY CAGE.

Cristina and Sarah:  YOU ARE USELESS.

Sarah:  They're so oiled!

Cristina:  That's how I like my men.

Sarah:  Oiled and hooded?

Em:  SUBZERO.  YEAH.  GET HIM.  POPSICLE, MOTHERFUCKER.

Goro:  "You know nothing."

Sarah and Cristina:  JON SNOW.

Sarah:  All ninjas are warriors, but not all warriors are ninjas.  It's like squares and reptiles.

Em:  WHAT?  WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Sarah:  He should get that looked at.

Em:  He dead.

Em, pretty much whenever Scorpion came on screen:  YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS.

Cristina:  That's how I'm going to enter every room now: dramatic cartwheel.

Sarah:  How long until Michael Bay does a remake of this?

Cristina:  So, did the bad guys take the time to tease her hair while chaining her up?

Overly Enthusiastic History Lesson: Jeanne de Clisson

ALL RIGHT, FOOLS, SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES BECAUSE I'M GONNA LEARN YOU A THING ABOUT REVENGE AND GENERAL BADASSERY.

Once upon a time in Brittany, France, there was a noblewoman named Jeanne de Clisson.  Her husband, Olivier, was way up there in both political and military rank.  During one of the approximately 1.3 trillion my-dick-is-bigger tiffs between the French and English, France apparently decided that since Olivier Clisson survived a particular attack, that must mean he didn't fight hard enough and he was thus a traitor.  So, what do you do with a war survivor?

YOU KILL HIM, BECAUSE LOGIC.

Not only was he executed with very little evidence of actual treason, but his body was left out for the world to see, something that was unheard of for nobility.

Naturally, his widow was a bit upset.

And by upset, I mean RAIN DOWN SOME MAJOR TERROR ON OL' FRANCEY-PANTS BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCK WITH JEANNE DE CLISSON'S FAMILY, SON.

As many grieving widows do, Jeanne sold everything she and her husband owned and BOUGHT THREE BIG-ASS WARSHIPS FROM THE ENGLISH (SUCK IT, FRANCE), PAINTED THEM BLACK, DYED THE SAILS BLOOD RED, AND BECAME THE ULTIMATE VENGEFUL PIRATE QUEEN.

Jeanne's fleet terrorized the English Channel, taking down French vessels and always leaving one or two survivors to run back to France (hopefully in nothing but their underwear because that seems like Jeanne's style) to tell ol' King Parfait that shit got real.  Her favorite hobbies were pillaging the villages along Normandy's coast, supplying the English with basically whatever they wanted, cutting the heads off French aristocrats, and husband-collecting.

HER NICKNAME WAS THE LIONESS OF BRITTANY, BRUH, SHE WASN'T ONE TO FUCK WITH, OKAY.

Jeanne's story ends in the most fan-fucking-tastic way, too.  When she got too old for first-hand slaughtering (or maybe France ran out of nobles to decapitate, who even knows), she found husband numero trois, an Englishman no less, and decided to retire.  IN FRANCE, THE SAME EFFING COUNTRY SHE JUST MADE HER BITCH FOR THE PAST DECADE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE THE GODDAMN LIONESS OF BRITTANY YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT..

So, the moral of this moment in history: Don't execute someone when their wife is rich and fucking terrifying.

LEVEL UP!: Emerie's Project

Emerie's Project

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

So, all that big talk, time to put my money where my mouth is and show you my personal Level Up! Project!

Please, take this example with a grain of salt.  This was tailored for me, by me, based on my current abilities and challenges and goals.  Yours might be different.  Maybe you can already run a mile without stopping.  Maybe you're struggling with a quarter mile.  Maybe you don't give a rat's ass about maintaining a nice pedicure like I do.  Maybe your idea of relaxing is going out and being social (mine is holing up in my room with Netflix).  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, AND THUS EVERYONE'S PROJECT WILL ALSO BE DIFFERENT.  That's the beauty of this project, it's about becoming the best YOU, not the best somebody else!

Note: The goals directly under the header of each category are my overall, big goals...they're long-term, and thus get more EXP.

So, without further ado...

Strength

Complete a 5k --- 5 EXP

Complete a 10k --- 10 EXP

Participate in the Warrior Dash --- 5 EXP

Do 50 consecutive unmodified push-ups --- 5 EXP

Get ripped enough to cosplay as Lara Croft from Tomb Raider Legend --- 20 EXP

Cardiovascular

Run a mile without stopping --- 2.0 EXP

Walk/Run/Bike five miles in one week --- 1.0 EXP

Thirty-minute dance workout --- 1.0 EXP

Strength
Twenty modified push-ups --- 0.5 EXP
Twenty unmodified push-ups --- 1.0 EXP
Fifty crunches --- 0.5 EXP
Ten pull-ups --- 1.0 EXP
Twenty squats/lunges --- 1.0 EXP
Be able to do ten reps of my own body weight (arms) --- 2.0

Combination
DVD workout --- 0,5 EXP
Thirty Day Shred Level 1 (no stopping) --- 1.0 EXP
Thirty Day Shred Level 2 (no stopping) --- 2.0 EXP
Thirty Day Shred Level 3 (no stopping) --- 3.0 EXP
Complete Insanity --- 3.0 EXP

Dexterity

Headstand for one minute --- 5 EXP

Handstand for one minute --- 10 EXP

Left leg splits --- 5 EXP

Right leg splits --- 10 EXP

Full leg-extension --- 5 EXP
Center splits --- 15 EXP

Flexibility

Stretch with workout --- 0.5 EXP
Twenty minute stretching session --- 1.0 EXP

Balance
Ballet positions practice (twenty minutes) --- 0.5 EXP
Work on headstand/handstand --- 1.0 EXP

Combination
Yoga workout --- 1.0 EXP
Learn full choreography --- 2.0 EXP
Master ten ninjutsu moves --- 2.0 EXP

Constitution

Stop depending on soda --- 5 EXP
Catch up on all doctor's visits --- 10 EXP
Get new contacts and glasses --- 20 EXP

Diet

Try a new fruit/veggie --- 0.5 EXP
Drink 64 oz of water daily for one week --- 1.0 EXP
Drink only water for one week --- 2.0 EXP
Don't drink soda for one week --- 1.0 EXP
Eat a good breakfast --- 0.5 EXP
Drink green tea every day for a week --- 1.0 EXP
Eat five different fruits/veggies in a day --- 1.0 EXP

Miscellaneous
Take my vitamins --- 0.5 EXP
Use floss and mouthwash every day for a week --- 0.5 EXP

Intelligence

Get 50 followers on Geektoria's Secret --- 5 EXP
Become fluent in French --- 20 XP
Learn to play a new instrument --- 20 EXP
Finish writing a novel --- 10 EXP

Learning

Practice French --- 0.5 EXP
Practice music --- 0.5 EXP
Learn a new skill --- 1.0 EXP

Culture
Read a book --- 2.0 EXP
Watch a new movie --- 0.5 EXP
See a live show or concert --- 1.0 EXP
Listen to a new band/artist --- 0.5 EXP
Visit a museum/zoo/aquarium --- 1.0 EXP

Creativity
Write a blog post that's original content --- 0.5 EXP
Do a puzzle of some kind --- 0.5 EXP
Create something tangible --- 1.0 EXP

Wisdom

Get out of debt --- 20 EXP
Make money as a writer --- 5 EXP

Common Sense

Make an emergency car kit --- 1.0 EXP
Write a will --- 2.0 EXP
Look into better insurance --- 1.0 EXP

Career
Submit writing to a publisher --- 1.0 EXP
Get 400 points at work in one month --- 2.0 EXP
Make commission at work --- 0.5 EXP

Finances
Pay off a credit card --- 2.0 EXP
Turn in a full change jar --- 1.0 EXP
Sell something I made --- 0.5 EXP
Save $1000 for emergency --- 2.0 EXP

Charisma

Start up a trans-youth donation organization in Grand Rapids --- 20 EXP
Be happy with my appearance --- 5 EXP
Finish my altar --- 5 EXP

Appearance

Get hair done professionally --- 1.0 EXP
Give self a facial --- 0.5 EXP
Dress up nicely every day for one week --- 0.5 EXP
Mani/Pedi --- 0.5 EXP

Social
Hang out with a friend(s) --- 0.5 EXP
Random act of kindness --- 1.0 EXP
Volunteer/Donate --- 2.0 EXP
Hang out with family --- 0.5 EXP

Radical Self-Love
People-free detox day --- 1.0 EXP
Tech-free detox day --- 2.0 EXP
Meditate --- 0.5 EXP
Write down five happy thoughts --- 0.5 EXP
Visit the lake --- 1.0 EXP

LEVEL UP!: Wisdom

Wisdom

Wisdom, or WIS, is not the same as Intelligence.  In game, WIS determines the character's decision-making skills and willpower.  WIS is the street-smarts to INT's book-smarts.

For Level Up!, WIS is all about being a responsible adult.  Gross, right?  Bummer.  Things that have to do with your career, finances, future, and general responsible common sense stuff will go here.

Need help learning how to be a wise guy?  Voila:

♦ Work on your career, whether it's starting one or working your way up the ladder!
♦ Revamp your budgeting.
♦ Set up an emergency/college/whatever you need to save for fund.
♦ Get spare keys made in case of an emergency.
♦ Make an emergency kit for your car (first aid, flares, batteries, blankets, clothes, etc).
♦ Prepare for the future.
♦ Set goals for school.

LEVEL UP!: Intelligence

Intelligence

Intelligence, or INT, obviously, refers to how intelligent your character is.  Duh.  But, there's also Wisdom, and they aren't the same.  INT refers to how much knowledge you have and how quickly you can learn new things.  This is often the most important stat for magic users, since they need to learn spells in order to be useful to the party.

For Level Up!, we're looking at INT as the "book-smarts" aspect of intelligence rather than the "street-smarts" of Wisdom.  INT is all about experiencing and learning new things, taking in new information and developing new talents and skills.  I'm including creative endeavors here as well, because I'm a writer and artsy-fartsy sort.

Need some examples?  Boom:

♦ Learn something.  Knitting, a musical instrument, a language...learn anything.
♦ Read a certain number of books, or a genre you haven't read before.
♦ Watch new films.
♦ Do something creative; paint, write, build, just make something with your own two hands!
♦ Experience new things, like food, theatre, places...explore your world!

LEVEL UP!: Constitution

Constitution

Constitution, or CON, relates to, at it's core, your endurance.  In-game, it's how much damage you can take, whether it's physical attacks or things like disease and poison damage, or things like how long you can walk without hitting exhaustion.

For Level Up!, we're looking at CON from a health standpoint: what are you doing to make sure that your body can take care of itself?  Are you eating healthy?  Hydrating?  Keeping up on regular doctor's visits?  CON is the category in which you take care of your body while you let STR and DEX shape it into the badass awesome machine that you were always meant to have.

Some ideas for your CON category include:

♦ Eat clean for a week/month/forever.
♦ Drink at least 64 oz of water a day.
♦ Catch up on all doctor's appointments (Physical, dental, optical, OBGYN, etc).
♦ Start a vitamin regimen.
♦ Kick bad diet habits (I'm a pop-aholic, so I'm trying to kick my daily need!).
♦ Track what you eat for a week and work on improving your diet.
♦Research your family's medical history and begin preventative measures against any genetic diseases.

LEVEL UP!: Dexterity

Dexterity

Dexterity, or DEX, is a game's measurement of speed, hand-eye coordination, agility, balance, and reflexes.  Ranged attacks (such as shooting a bow or gun) depends on one's DEX, as well as speed of movement and various "rogue" abilities such as stealth and pickpocketing.

In Level Up!, it all sort of matches up to the game.  Anything involving speed, balance, flexibility, and coordination will fit in this category.  Physical activities such as yoga, dance, acrobatics, and possibly even martial arts would apply, as well as sports and activities that require speed and coordination, such as track and field, archery, etc.

I've compiled a list of activities that could help improve your dexterity below!

♦ Do yoga.
♦ Take a dance class.
♦ Do gymnastics.
♦ Stretch every time you work out (dynamic stretches first, static stretches after!).
♦ Work your way into being able to do the splits.
♦ Manage a one-minute headstand or handstand.
♦ Learn to juggle or sleight-of-hand tricks.
♦ Take an aerial or pole class.

LEVEL UP!: Strength

Strength

Strength, or STR, is the most straight-forward of the skills.  It means your physical strength.  In game, it determines how hard you can hit someone with a melee (non-ranged) attack, how much you can lift and carry, etc.  It's the Mr. Obvious of all the skills.

For Level Up!, I've determined that STR is going to apply to one's physical fitness.  Any cardiovascular or strength-based exercise would belong here.  Workouts that focus on flexibility and/or precision/grace, such as yoga or dance, will be addressed when we discuss DEX.

If you're lazy and unfit like me, this category is easy to fill up with goals such as "run a mile without stopping," or "do twenty push-up."  If you're already a fitness guru and can push out a 5K like the rest of us push out a Netflix marathon, you can put some more creative, adventurous goals like rock-climbing or doing the Warrior Dash.

I have listed some different options to help you make your list below:

♦ Participate in a marathon or physical competition.
♦ Do a physical feat (x number of push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups).
♦ Be able to lift a goal weight.
♦ Run a mile without stopping.
♦ Run/walk/bike/etc a goal amount of miles (100?  1000?).
♦ Complete a fitness challenge or program, like P90X, Insanity, 200 Squats Challenge, etc..

LEVEL UP!: Charisma

Charisma

Charisma, or CHA, is all about influence.  Between physical appearance and personality, the higher your charisma, the more people listen to you, and the more you can influence things in your favor.

For Level Up!, CHA is sort of a catch-all, but the main concept all focuses around emotional and mental health.  It's about doing things that make you feel good about yourself and make you happy.  This can be things regarding how you portray yourself, things that have to do with your social life, things that bring you inner peace and zen, things of a spiritual nature, whatever makes you feel good about yourself and your life.

Some secrets to inner happy:

♦ Freshen up your appearance, whether it's a new hairstyle, a new lipstick, new outfit...
♦ Have a spa day and pamper yourself.
♦ Do something fun with your family.
♦ Go on your dream vacation.
♦ Play with puppies.
♦ Keep a journal.
♦ Go outside and run around barefoot.
♦ Make a list of happy thoughts.

The LEVEL UP! Project

We're five months into 2015, y'all.  How are those New Years' Resolutions going?  Shitty?  "What resolutions?"  I'm the same way, folks.  If I had as much drive as I did imagination, I would pretty much be the second most perfect person in the world, right after Tom Hiddleston.  But I lack willpower and I'm a procrastinator. Heck, even this blog post is about four years in the making because I just...didn't wanna.

Why do we have such a hard time sticking to plans?  Well, I think a large part of it is the fact that we make big, general goals and then don't have a clue where to start.  We want to lose weight, read more, be more responsible, take more risks, all of which are great goals to have, but if you don't have your stepping stones, how are you going to get across the pond?

I'm all about self-improvement projects, even though I have a hell of a time sticking to them.  I love the idea of making my body, mind, and soul all-around better.  You may have guessed by my blog title, but I'm also a geek, and my mind tends to twist things into geek terms.  So, naturally, my brain went "Self-improvement!  LEVEL UP!"

I ran with it.  I created a program that takes different facets of my life and organizes them based on the six standard character statistics you will find in most role-playing games:  STR(ength), DEX(terity), CON(stitution), INT(elligence), WIS(dom), and CHA(risma).  It took a bit of tweaking, since I don't have any intention of wielding a melee weapon or casting arcane magic anytime soon, but I managed to apply each of those statistics to different aspects of myself that I want to improve.

If you're unfamiliar with how RPG's work and how this program will work, here's a breakdown:

In RPG's, you gain experience points (EXP) by completing quests, winning battles, etc.  Your EXP starts at level one as a whole, and rises as you complete your tasks; in my project, the maximum level is 20.  My EXP chart will work as follows:

EXP Required per Skill

Level 01 - 02: 10 EXP

Level 03 - 04: 20 EXP

Level 05 - 06: 30 EXP

Level 07 - 08: 40 EXP

Level 09 - 10: 50 EXP

Level 11 - 15: 75 EXP

Level 16 - 20: 100 EXP

Each skill, STR, DEX, CON, INT, WIS, and CHA, must reach the amount listed above to reach the next level.  For example, to reach level one (you start at zero, which doesn't happen in game, this is one of the tweaks I mentioned), you have to earn 10 EXP in each skill.  To reach level 2, you need an additional 10 EXP in each skill for a grand total of 20 EXP each.  Level 3 requires 20 more EXP, for a total of 40, and so on and so on.  Once you reach Level 20, you'll have at LEAST 1175 EXP in each skill.

All six levels must reach the EXP goal in order to level up.  This is to keep your self-improvement target balanced.  You shouldn't spend all your time focused on improving your body and ignoring your mind; having 500 EXP in STR doesn't matter much when you have 10 EXP in WIS. Remember, this project is designed to make the best overall you.

What I love about this project is that you design it.  I give you the skeleton, but you mold the body. You get to decide what your body and mind can handle.  Want to get in shape but hate the gym? Make goals involving less conventional exercise, such as pole-dancing classes, hiking, even getting out to play with your kids for an hour in the park.  Want to bulk up your literacy points?  Make a one-book goal for a month if you're not an avid reader, or go for a book or two a week if you are. I'm planning on compiling various lists to help everyone along in creating their projects, and if you find yourself stuck, feel free to leave a comment and I can offer suggestions!

As well as choosing your activities and goals, you will choose how many points they each get.  You can "cheat" and make reading a short book worth ten points, but you're really only cheating yourself.  Easier tasks should be worth no more than half a point, whereas those that are a bit more challenging can be worth up to two, maybe three points.  I have also personally given myself "big" goals in each skill set worth five to twenty points, which are hard to attain goals like paying off big debts, running a 5k, or learning to play violin.

Below you'll find links to explanations of the skills in the project, both in game and as they apply to real life, as well as an example to follow: my own personal Level Up Project page!

Strength

Dexterity

Constitution

Intelligence

Wisdom

Charisma

Geektoria's Project!

geeky self-improvement?

Dear Friends and Followers:

I recently dug up an old project of mine that I was thinking about reviving and putting up for public consumption.  It's basically a self-improvement project that follows the "stats" format of RPG games (y'know, STR, CON, DEX, INT, WIS, CHA).  Would any of you be interested in something like that?  It's basically able to be tailored to your lifestyle and goals.  I could post more of an explanation and an example (aka, my personal Level Up program) if anyone shows an interest.